


Advanced Comparative Religion

by ama



Category: Community (TV)
Genre: Canon Jewish Character, Canon Muslim Character, Eid ul-Fitr, Fake Episode, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Ramadan, Rosh HaShana | Jewish New Year, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-18
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:40:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26532253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ama/pseuds/ama
Summary: Annie feels pressured when a Jewish Studies professor encourages her to request time off for the High Holy Days and Jeff takes up the call. Meanwhile, Shirley is concerned about Abed fasting for Ramadan and Pierce tries to sell products for his cult. [A fake Season 2 episode]
Relationships: Annie Edison & Jeff Winger, Shirley Bennett & Abed Nadir
Comments: 16
Kudos: 111





	Advanced Comparative Religion

**Author's Note:**

> I was complaining about Community's treatment of its Jewish & Muslim characters a little while ago and suggesting easy, non-Christian-normative holiday episodes they could have written, and realized 75% of the way through that I was basically writing the episodes already. The realization that, in 2010, Rosh Hashanah and Eid al-Fitr actually did overlap sealed the deal. Enjoy!

INT. JEWISH STUDIES CLASSROOM, DAY

We OPEN on a classroom just as most students are packing up their things and heading out the door. ANNIE pushes through the crowd, clutching the straps of her backpack.

ANNIE: Professor? Professor!

She approaches the desk. PROFESSOR STEINER looks up from packing her bag. She is a sensible-looking woman in her mid-50s, with long, curly salt-and-pepper hair. She is wearing a big grey cardigan, a beaded necklace, and hamsa earrings. She squints and points at Annie.

PROF STEINER: Hannah.

ANNIE: Annie. Annie Edison.

PROF STEINER: I’ll get it eventually. How can I help you?

ANNIE: I noticed there was no class scheduled for this Friday.

PROF STEINER: That’s right. It’s Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, and since this is a Jewish Studies class…

ANNIE: Oh, I know. I’m Jewish--I’m taking this class for the outside perspective! My Hebrew school was a little heavy on the ‘Moses could do magic!’ and a little light on the rigorous textual analysis. Anyway.  
(she makes her wheedling face)  
I was wondering if there might be an opportunity for extra credit to make up for it?  
(bragging)  
Not to brag, but my paper-mache skills have won awards.

PROF STEINER: Nope, no extra credit. Enjoy your day off.

She resumes packing. MEDIUM SHOT of Annie, disappointed.

ANNIE: Oh, okay… I have other classes that day, actually, so it’s not much of a day off, but…

Professor Steiner looks up and is fully engaged for the first point in the conversation.

PROF STEINER: You know, Hannah--

ANNIE: Annie.

PROF STEINER: You have a legal right to take time off for your holidays. If any of your other teachers are giving you trouble, let me know. I’d be happy to talk to the Dean--

ANNIE: Oh, no! No, no, no, I’m sure they’d be fine. It’s just… well, I don’t want to seem like  
(whispering, horrified)  
a _slacker._

PROF STEINER: Being a proud, observant, spiritually engaged Jewish woman makes you a slacker?

ANNIE: No! No, that’s not what I’m saying!

PROF STEINER (meaningfully): What are you saying, Shoshana?

[Musical cue](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XcwIiPif_5s). She exits the room. CLOSE UP on a perplexed Annie left behind.

ANNIE: Hannah!  
(She realizes her error and makes a face. Quietly, to herself.)  
Annie…

[ **OPENING CREDITS** ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=veBokK7K9vE)

INT. STUDY ROOM, LATER THAT DAY

Annie and SHIRLEY enter through the main doors, in the middle of a conversation.

ANNIE: And then, she all but accused me of being either self-hating or a sellout!

WIDE SHOT: JEFF, BRITTA, and PIERCE are already in their seats. TROY and ABED are entering from the other door.

BRITTA: Who is this?

ANNIE (sitting down): My Jewish Studies professor, Professor Steiner. This Friday is Rosh Hashanah, so she’s canceling our class--and now she wants me to cancel the rest of my classes, too!

JEFF: And this… is… bad?

ANNIE: Jeff! The school year has barely started! I’m still forming a first impression with all of my other teachers!

BRITTA: But isn’t Rosh Hashanah, like, one of the most important Jewish holidays? When I lived in New York--

Everyone groans. She makes a sour face and crosses her arms.

TROY: Man, if I could celebrate any holidays, I totally would. You guys take this stuff for granted.

ABED: They’re not all fun and games. I’ve been fasting for more than three weeks now, and I gotta say, I’m kind of over it.

SHIRLEY: Fasting?

ABED: Yeah. It’s a Muslim thing. No food or water from sunrise to sunset for an entire month, until Eid Al Fitr, when we eat more food than we’ve ever had in our lives. Actually, Eid is this Friday, too.

ANNIE: Cool!

PIERCE: Not that anyone bothered to ask, but there’s _also_ a Buddhist holiday this weekend.

JEFF: I didn’t know cults had holidays.

PIERCE: Ha-ha, Jeffrey. For your information, Sunday is Buddha’s birthday. As a matter of fact--

He pulls out a cardboard box from underneath the table. He removes a very cheap pink fake lei and dangles it. REACTION SHOTS from around the table; everyone looks skeptical or confused, although Annie tilts her head in a “that’s kind of cute, I guess” way.

PIERCE: I’m selling these lotus garlands to raise money for the needy.

BRITTA: That’s… actually nice.

PIERCE: The Needy is what we call the leader of our Reformed Neo-Buddhist community. He’s the only Level 9 in the whole North-South American continent.

SHIRLEY: Why is he called the needy?

PIERCE: Because he _needs_ to build up enough wealth to bring about the Second Coming of Buddha. Haven’t you seen the statues? The silk loincloth, the ample stomach, the 24 karat gold body glitter--Buddha has expensive tastes. Who wants a garland?

TROY: I guess I’ll wear one. I wore Shirley’s Jesus bracelet for like three weeks and this isn’t--  
(he sees her Look.)  
\--nearly as delightful as that.

Pierce drops a necklace on the table in front of him.

PIERCE: That’ll be $50.

TROY: _What?_

He pushes the lei back in Pierce’s direction. They continue to wordlessly shove the lei between them in the background.

SHIRLEY: Okay.  
(turning to Abed)  
I want to hear more about this fasting business. It sounds dangerous to me, Abed--look at you, you’re practically skin and bones already.

ABED: Oh, it’s not about losing weight. Actually I usually gain a few pounds, because we eat dates to break the fast and I have a major sweet tooth. They’re the bomb.  
(to Pierce)  
Don’t say it.

ANNIE: Aw, that’s kind of like Rosh Hashanah! We eat apples and honey for a _sweet new year._

Abed gives her a finger gun.

ABED: Fasting during Ramadan is in honor of the thirty days that the prophet Muhamad fasted before receiving the Quran. That was a pretty big deal in those days, because they basically only had books. And live theater, I guess, but I can’t imagine the special effects were very good.

SHIRLEY (mildly offended): Well, what did they need the Quran for? They already had the Bible!

ANNIE (at Shirley): And the Torah, not that that stopped _some_ people.

ABED: What can I say, good things come in threes. Star Warses, Indiana Joneses, Stooges--

TROY: Blind Mice! Powerpuff Girls!

JEFF: Matrixes.

ABED: Nice.

BRITTA: Waves of feminism!

PIERCE (loudly): The Laser Lotuses have a book! Good things come in fours!

JEFF: Okay, this is straying dangerously close to December 10th territory and further away from the point.

BRITTA: We had a point?

JEFF: Yes. Annie, why aren’t you taking your free day off?

ANNIE: I don’t know. It just seems--irresponsible.  
(wistful)  
I actually really liked Rosh Hashanah when I was a kid. I was the only Jewish student in my class, so my mom would always come in and give a little presentation, and I got to help her make the poster.

REACTION SHOT of Britta and Abed, who smile, although Britta is slightly more skeptical at Annie’s definition of “fun.”

ANNIE: And we would go apple picking and I would get a new dress to wear to synagogue...  
(she squares her shoulders and gets serious)  
But that’s kid stuff. It doesn’t matter when you miss a couple of days in elementary school, but eventually you have to start taking things seriously.

Jeff looks mildly concerned as everyone else starts to take out their books. CUT TO:

INT. LIBRARY, A SHORT WHILE LATER

Annie exits the study room, fiddling with her backpack. Jeff jogs up to her. They walk and talk.

JEFF: Hey, Annie! Listen, I was thinking about this Rosh Hashanah thing. Not to be too Pierce-ish or anything, but I used to be a lawyer and some stereotypes hold up--and every Jewish guy in my law firm took off for Rosh Hashanah. Some of us would _lie_ about being Jewish to get off for Rosh Hashanah, because it’s right in that sweet spot where vacations are still pretty cheap but school’s started again so you don’t have to deal with kids--

ANNIE: What’s your point, Jeff?

JEFF: My point is, it’s a new school year.  
(he holds out a hand to stop her and goes into Winger Manipulation mode)  
A new _Hebrew_ year. And I think you should take this opportunity to make this the year you learn to blow stuff off.

ANNIE: What? No.  
(she resumes walking, nose in the air)  
I’m going to celebrate the holidays in the way that makes _me_ happy--by reading ahead in the textbook and looking for extra credit opportunities.

JEFF: Annie, come on. You’re a college student, which means you’re an adult, which means you get to set your own schedule! This isn’t high school anymore. Nobody’s handing out perfect-attendance awards.

ANNIE (sad Disney face): The Dean said he would make one just for me!

They’ve reached the exit. Jeff halts under the awning.

JEFF: Listen, remember last year when every other week you were talking about how you wanted to be cool like Britta or grown-up like Shirley or… “no worries brah” like Vaughn? Well, now’s your chance. Look at Britta.

LONG SHOT: Britta is leaning against a nearby building, smoking and smiling peacefully up at the sky. FULL SHOT of Jeff and Annie.

JEFF: Look how happy she is. How relaxed. How _cool._

ANNIE: Smoking is really bad for you… you do know that, right?

JEFF (no acknowledgement whatsoever): She has no idea she’s already five minutes late for a class across campus. She doesn’t want to know. She’s happier not knowing, and she’s still going to get a solid B+ in that class because Greendale is a joke school, and it’s never going to matter after this because literally no one will ever ask to see her GPA.

He turns and holds Annie by the shoulders. She looks at him warily.

ANNIE: No one… asks to see your GPA?

JEFF: Nobody, Annie.

ANNIE: Well--will they look at it if I show it to them?

JEFF: Doubt it.

Offended Annie gasp.

JEFF: You have a class starting soon, right?

ANNIE: Mm-hm.

JEFF: You have to leave right now if you want to get there on time.

ANNIE: Yes…

JEFF: Here’s an idea: Don’t leave right now.

ANNIE: But--

JEFF: You don’t have to cut. Just be a little late. For practice.

ANNIE (alarmed): But what if the professor says something?

JEFF: He probably won’t. He probably won’t even notice. And if he does, you say “Sorry I’m late, professor” and sit down. No more, no less. Say it with me. Sorry I’m late, professor.

ANNIE (simultaneously): Sorry I’m late, professor.  
(working herself up)  
Okay. Okay, I can do that. I can be cool. I can be loosey-goosey.

JEFF: Don’t say loosey-goosey.

She shakes her shoulders and takes a breath, trying to focus. She and Jeff lock eyes intensely. After a beat, Annie’s eyes flicker down and she lifts her hand.

JEFF: Don’t look at your watch.

She looks up, quickly. The moment gets more intense. [Musical cue](https://youtu.be/XcwIiPif_5s?t=164). CLOSE UP on Jeff, still focused. CLOSE UP on Annie, starting to look nervous. EXTREME CLOSE UP as she bites her lip. MEDIUM SHOT of both of them, in profile, as she slowly lifts her wrist again.

JEFF: Annie--

Annie gives a slow whine that reaches a shriek as she snaps her head toward her watch. She gasps. She breaks out of Jeff’s grip and clings to her backpack straps as she runs away. The music reaches a crescendo.

JEFF (exasperated): Annie!

LONG SHOT of Britta. She looks over curiously and sees Annie hustling. She looks at Jeff.

BRITTA (calling): Hey, do you have the time?

Jeff rolls his eyes and walks away without responding.

INT. CAFETERIA, DAY

Troy and Abed are sitting at a table in the forefront of the screen. Troy is eating; Abed is keeping him company, without a tray. Shirley approaches, carrying a tray that is _loaded_ with food: two plates of mac and cheese, at least three hamburgers, a platter of french fries, and a 32-oz cup (no lid).

SHIRLEY:  
Helloooooooo.

Abed lifts his hand in a brief wave.

TROY: Hey, Shirl...what.

SHIRLEY (cheerfully): I think maybe my eyes were a little too big for my stomach.  
(giggles; suddenly significant)  
But you know you boys are welcome to take a little snack of my plate if you want. I won’t tell anyone.

REACTION SHOT: Abed smiles, seemingly oblivious. Troy gives a suspicious frown.

SHIRLEY: Do you mind if I join you?

They mumble agreement. Abed scooches over to make room on the bench. As Shirley sits down, she jostles her tray deliberately, then takes her cup and throws water in Abed’s face. Troy jumps back.

TROY: Woah!

Abed blinks, shakes his head, and spits out a mouthful of water.

SHIRLEY: Oh nooo. I’m so sorr-y, Abed. I hope that doesn’t count as breaking your fast--but if it does, then in for a penny, in for a pound. Here, take some mac and cheese.

She sets a plate in front of him.

ABED: No thanks. I’m going to go to the bathroom and get some paper towels.

He stands and exits. CLOSE MEDIUM of Troy, judgemental.

TROY: I know what you’re doing.

SHIRLEY (innocent): Hm?

TROY: You’re trying to get Abed to stop fasting, and you’re indulging in Stoogian levels of antics to do it.

SHIRLEY: Well, what’s the point of this fasting thing, anyway? Eating a sandwich at four in the afternoon instead of ten at night isn’t going to send anyone to hell! There are plenty of other things that’ll do that, but--

Troy gives her a Look. She sits back, fiddling with her sweater.

SHIRLEY: Not that it matters, because  
(rote)  
my friends of other faiths have different conceptions of the afterlife and they’re perfectly within their rights to disagree with me. But come _on._ Only thing he’s going to do is give himself low blood sugar! One day he’s going to pick up one of those big, fancy film cameras and just keel over!

TROY: Look, I don’t get it either, but it’s important to Abed, okay? And it’s not going to make him sick or anything--he’s been fasting for years. Besides, just in case he does start to feel a little woozy, he gave me this emergency Gatorade and granola bar to hold for hi…

He reaches into his backpack without looking. Pause. He rifles through it again and exhales, annoyed at himself.

TROY: Shoot. I ate it again. Okay, I have to go to the vending machine, but meanwhile--  
(he stands, slings on his backpack, and points at her)  
Let Abed do his thing.

Troy takes one of the plates of mac and cheese and exits. Shirley looks momentarily guilty, but stubborn. She’s not giving up just yet.

PIERCE (offscreen): Excuse me, coming through.

Shirley turns her head. HER POV: Pierce enters the cafeteria, carrying his box of leis. He sets it down on an empty table and also removes a stack of folded pamphlets from his bag.

PIERCE: Lotus garlands for sale! Help the Needy.  
(he stops a passing student)  
You look like a smart kid--what do you know about Reformed Neo-Buddhism?

MEDIUM SHOT of Shirley.

SHIRLEY (muttering): Oh, Lord.

She shakes her head and exits.

INT. CLASSROOM, THE NEXT MORNING

[Musical cue](https://youtu.be/OzdJFyHM5cc?t=176). An older male PROFESSOR enters the room, dropping his bag on the desk at the front of the class. The word “Zoology” is written on the board. FULL SHOT of Annie, sitting near the front, looking bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

PROFESSOR: Good morning, class. Today we’re going to talk about misrepresentation of lemming psychology in the media.

He continues to drone on. Annie hastily takes a notebook out of her bag and lines it up precisely on the desk. She fishes around for a pen but finds none. Perplexed, she takes out a pencil case. She unzips it and looks confused. CLOSE UP: a bag full of plastic straws and coffee stirrers from the cafeteria. REACTION SHOT as she looks exasperated.

INT. HALLWAY, SAME DAY

Music continues. Jeff and Britta walk through a crowded hallway.

ANNIE (offscreen): Jeff!

FULL SHOT as she storms up to them. She holds up her pencil case.

ANNIE: I’m assuming this was _you_?

BRITTA: Um, what?

Annie hands her the case. Britta glances inside.

ANNIE: He swapped all of my pens, pencils, and highlighters for _straws_. I had an early morning class! I couldn’t take any notes!

JEFF: And, how’d it feel? Relaxing?

ANNIE: Humiliating! I was sitting in the front row, Jeff! This could ruin my whole reputation. You don’t mess with a girl’s stationary products! You should know better.

MEDIUM SHOT of Jeff as he takes a plastic bag full of pens and highlighters out of his jacket pocket, then CUT to Annie as she takes it. She turns around with a huff and walks away.

BRITTA (dryly): Wow.

JEFF: Oh, can it.

They continue walking.

JEFF: You know she still hasn’t canceled _any_ of her classes on Friday? Not even Anthropology. You know, the subject our so-called professor doesn’t know how to spell, let alone teach.

BRITTA: Whatever, it’s her choice. Annie likes classes. Maybe studying is how she likes to celebrate holidays, you don’t know.  
(earnest)  
You know, the Jewish people really value education--

JEFF: I repeat--can it, New York. Look, holiday or no holiday, that’s not the point. The point is, Annie is so concerned about what her teachers think of her--what her mostly _male_ teachers think of her--that she refuses to stand up for herself and request her legally-protected time off! Isn’t this kind of thing right up your alley?

BRITTA: Nice try, Winger.

JEFF: I’m just looking out for her best interest.

LONG SHOT of IAN DUNCAN, just getting in. He is unlocking the door to his office, wearing big, plastic-framed sunglasses over his regular glasses, very obviously hungover.

JEFF: Watch this. Hey, Duncan!

Duncan turns.

IAN DUNCAN: What do you want, Jeff? My allergies are quite literally killing me this morning.

JEFF: Oh yeah? What are you allergic to?

DUNCAN: Whiskey.

JEFF. That checks out. Hey, listen, Annie’s not going to be in class on Friday. It’s Rosh Hashanah. It’s important and if you make her come to class, she can sue you for religious discrimination.

DUNCAN: She can’t, because I don’t care. Tell her happy whatever. Or don’t. I don’t care.

He flaps his hand in a lazy wave and enters his office. MEDIUM SHOT of Britta and Jeff. Britta is watching with disapproval.

BRITTA: And that was...?

JEFF: Me, doing a favor for a friend.

BRITTA: Sure, because interfering in her life when she didn’t even ask for your help is the _best_ way for her to stand up for herself. That’s going to bite you in the long run, you know.

They exit the building. LONG SHOT: In the parking lot, Pierce is getting out of his car, carrying his box of leis again. MEDIUM SHOT of Jeff and Britta; this time, Jeff is uncaring and Britta is the exasperated one.

BRITTA: Oh my god, he’s bringing those stupid flower thingies again. You know he tried to sell them in the cafeteria for _three hours_ yesterday?

JEFF: Is anyone else in this school stupid enough to fall for that?

BRITTA: That doesn’t matter! He’s being brainwashed by a cult. I need to get him out of their creepy little clutches. Later.

She jogs towards Pierce, waving. He waves back, dropping a corner of the box. A few leis spill out, unnoticed.

JEFF: That’s going to bite you in the long run!

[Musical cue](https://youtu.be/XcwIiPif_5s?t=218).

INT. CAFETERIA, THE NEXT DAY

ESTABLISHING SHOT of the cafeteria, then CLOSE UP on a small stack of dates. Troy is leaning to the side, head low to the table as he stares intently. MEDIUM CLOSE UP of Abed as he carefully balances another date on top of the stack.

TROY: _Nice._ What is a date, anyway?  
(he takes one from a separate pile and looks at it thoughtfully)  
It’s weird looking. Like a little zombie brain.

Abed continues to work on his date stack, nonchalant.

ABED: It’s basically like a big raisin, but sweeter and grows on palm trees. They dry them out to make them even sweeter.  
(thoughtful)  
I wonder if there’s a word for dates before they get dried, like how raisins are really grapes.

REACTION SHOT: Troy’s mind is absolutely blown by this information. CUT to further across the cafeteria. Shirley and Britta are both sitting at a table, off-center so they can look over each other’s shoulders. Shirley is watching Troy and Abed with pursed lips. Britta, ditto, is watching Pierce. LONG SHOT: He is sitting at a table, looking rather forlorn, on the phone. The music fades, and we hear an indistinct VOICE berating him.

PIERCE: Oh no, no, things are going great here. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah, of course I’ve picked up the pace! Buddha’s birthday is going to be--

The voice rises in pitch and volume, and then abruptly hangs up. Pierce looks startled. He puts his phone in his pocket and looks around to make sure nobody heard that. Britta looks worried.

BRITTA: Shirley?

SHIRLEY: Mm?

BRITTA: It’s not… bad to--not support your friends all the time, right?

SHIRLEY (sympathetic): What do you mean, Britt-a?

BRITTA: I mean, like… obviously it’s important to be an open-minded, accepting, progressive person with a firm respect for multiculturalism and other people’s beliefs, but… some things are just _weird,_ right?

SHIRLEY (eagerly): Yes!

BRITTA: And sometimes your friends don’t realize things are weird, and that could put them in serious danger! It’s not about enforcing your own worldview, it’s about protecting people you care about.

Shirley nods.

SHIRLEY: That’s right, that’s exactly right.

BRITTA: And Jeff is totally wrong, as usual, because _I’m_ not a hypocrite, I’m just a good friend.

SHIRLEY (less confident): Okay…

Britta reaches forward and grasps her hands.

BRITTA: Thank you, this has been really helpful. I’m gonna go find Annie’s religion professor and snatch Pierce from the jaws of his cult. Would you like to join me?

SHIRLEY: No… I, uh… have to go get something from my car. But I’ll see you in study group later.

BRITTA nods, painfully earnest. She rushes off. Shirley watches skeptically, then glances at Troy and Abed’s table again. LONG SHOT: the tower has fallen. Abed tosses a date at Troy, who attempts to catch it in his mouth. [His success depends on whether Donald Glover is good at this and whatever he thinks is funnier.]

INT. CAFETERIA, A SHORT WHILE LATER

LONG SHOT of Pierce in the cafeteria, holding out leis. MEDIUM SHOT of Britta and Prof Steiner, who looks mildly concerned and extremely skeptical. They’re sitting at a table.

BRITTA: Initial thoughts?

PROF STEINER: I mean, it’s not great, but I think all kinds of proselytizing is kind of weird. Some chick at a crosswalk gave me a miniature New Testament with a portrait of ‘hip Jesus’ on the cover last semester and it’s like, what is that?

BRITTA (dryly): That was our friend Shirley.

Professor Steiner appraises her for a moment.

PROF STEINER: Huh. Your group was the one that brought down Chang, right? Should I be concerned?

BRITTA: We like to think Chang brought himself down.

PROF STEINER: Fair point. All right, I’m going in.

She stands, walks up to Pierce, and gives him a friendly smile. He looks at her, smooths his hair, and puffs out his chest.

PIERCE: Well, hello there. Can I interest you in some Reformed Neo-Buddhist literature?  
(sultry)  
It’s almost Buddha’s birthday, you know.

PROF STEINER: (weirded out, with a wide, fake smile) Really? Tell me more about that.

BRITTA’S POV: LONG SHOT of the two of them talking. After a few seconds, Prof Steiner nods, takes a pamphlet, and comes back to the table. Britta stands.

BRITTA: Well?

PROF STEINER: Oh yeah, he’s definitely in a cult.

BRITTA: Duh-doi! Did you convince him to leave?

PROF STEINER: No.

She starts to gather her things. Britta’s shoulders go up and she spreads her arms, outraged.

BRITTA: Why not?!

PROF STEINER: Britta, do you have any idea how cults work? They’re basically designed so that if a well-educated stranger goes up to a member and says ‘you’re in a cult,’ the member shuns them on instinct. Besides, your friend doesn’t seem to have any medical conditions he’s neglecting and he still has several million dollars, so he’s not in any real danger. At least not now.

BRITTA: But he’s in a _cult._ They’re crazy and manipulative, and--

LONG SHOT of Pierce, trying to hand a pamphlet to a pair of passing STUDENTS, who take one and burst into laughter.

BRITTA: Everybody’s laughing at him!

PROF STEINER: So? He seems happy.  
(serious)  
You want my official advice, here it is: people join cults because they’re lonely. The cult makes them feel special, appreciated, like they’re a part of something bigger than themselves. For a little while. But someday, eventually, Pierce is going to find that these--Laser Whatevers--are taking advantage of him, or that he’s not getting the results he expected, or that the whole shtick is just getting old. The problem is, if he leaves, then he’s lonely again. Unless he has a strong support system of devoted friends who are there to welcome him home. Judging him might make you feel good _now_ \--but in the long term, just being there is what’s going to help.

She exits. Britta looks at Pierce. He stands awkwardly, looking around the room, then catches sight of her and waves. REACTION SHOT: Britta is mulling over this new information. She manages a smile and waves back.

INT. STUDY ROOM, LATER

Abed is already in his seat, writing in a notebook. The room is otherwise empty. Shirley bustles in, carrying two large Tupperware containers.

SHIRLEY: Hellooooo! I went on a little baking spree last night. I tried some _exotic_ new recipes.

She sets down the containers and takes the top off. Abed looks in them with mild curiosity. MEDIUM SHOT of Shirley as she tries to avoid looking too eager. She gestures to each section of the containers as she talks, leaning heavily on the names.

SHIRLEY: This one here is _baklava,_ and _basbousa_ \--

ABED: Basbousa’s my favorite.

SHIRLEY (delighted): Oh, fancy that! And these little cookies here, these are m-- um--

ABED: Ma’amoul.

SHIRLEY: Ma’amoul! Yeah.  
(she sits down)  
Anyway, it’s only a few hours to sunset, so if you want to cheat a little, I don’t think anyone could blame you--

ABED: Shirley, I know what you’re doing.

SHIRLEY: What am I doing?

Abed raises his eyebrows. For a moment, Shirley tries to brazen it out. Then she sighs.

SHIRLEY: All right. I’m sorry, Abed. I just want you to be… I don’t know.

ABED: Christian?

SHIRLEY: No!

ABED: Fasting for Ramadan doesn’t make me a fanatic, you know. It’s pretty basic--like being good for the month leading up to Christmas just in case Santa is watching. Which I also did when I was a kid, although let’s face it, I was pretty excellent all the time. Just because we’re different religions doesn’t mean we don’t have things in common, or that we can’t be friends.

SHIRLEY (defeated, then very sincere): I know that! I guess--I just worried. You know, when you’re… a little heavier… people try to make food out to be a bad thing, but my mama and my grandmama always taught me feeding someone is the best way to take care of them, and--I want to make sure someone’s taking care of you.

ABED: I get it. And I should probably be offended, but I’m not.

The camera begins a very SLOW ZOOM on Abed. [Musical cue.](https://youtu.be/XcwIiPif_5s?t=75)

ABED: My dad doesn’t shut the restaurant down during Ramadan, and it’s hard to fast when you work with food, so he usually doesn’t have the energy to cook afterward. I saw him eat a whole jar of peanut butter with a spoon once. It used to be my mom would make sure he had real food to break the fast, and lots of it. Then she left. Since then, it’s been just the two of us. We usually just do takeout. Or falafel. Which I guess is takeout, except we make it before taking it out.

SHIRLEY: Just the two of you? What about your other family--what about Abra?

ABED: The rest of our family live in Gaza, except for my cousin Anwar in Detroit. But he doesn’t get enough time off school to visit usually.  
(smiling)  
So it’s really nice to have an overbearing mother figure using food as a metaphor for love during the holidays. Even if you have no idea what you’re talking about.

CUT to a WIDE SHOT as the rest of the group begins to enter, talking indistinctly.

TROY: Ma’amoul?! Awesome!

OVER THE SHOULDER SHOT of Shirley. In the forefront, Troy reaches over and takes a cookie as he sits down. SLOW ZOOM on Shirley, looking sad and thoughtful.

INT. STUDENT LOUNGE, THE NEXT DAY

OPEN on Jeff, texting on the couch. Annie appears in the corner of the frame.

ANNIE: Jeff!  
(she storms up to him)  
You told Professor Duncan I wasn’t coming to Anthropology?!

JEFF (lying badly): Whaaa? No, not me. Maybe Duncan’s just a nice guy who’s very well-educated on Jewish beliefs.

She crosses her arms and sits down.

ANNIE: Nice try, Jeff. He stopped me in that hallway to make sure _Jeff Winger_ had told me “Happy Rastafari, if that’s one of the holidays you can say happy for.”

JEFF: Is it?

ANNIE: That’s not the point! Why are you so obsessed with me taking a day off?

JEFF: Because I’m--afraid you’re going to burn yourself out! Annie, you took notes on everything you did this summer because you were worried you’d “let your skills lapse.” I mean, sure, you’re not popping Adderall anymore and that’s good, but come on. This isn’t healthy.

ANNIE: Oh please. What do you know about healthy study habits? You don’t have _any_ study habits!

JEFF: Maybe not, but I know about burnout.  
(sighs)  
You know how, when you take a standardized test, there’s a disclaimer on the booklet that says it has to be discarded if it’s unusable from tears or vomit?

ANNIE: (confused) Yes?

JEFF: Yeah. I’m the reason that’s on there. After my parents divorced, all I wanted was to become a lawyer. I had a goal and I was relentless in pursuing it. School was pretty easy, so I didn’t really need to study, but I made sure to keep my grades and devoted every minute of my free time to becoming a lawyer. I read all these books on winning friends and influencing people… I used to go to PTA meetings and VFW bingo halls because I figured, if I could win arguments against soccer moms and drunk old men, I could do anything. I worked really, really hard. I mean, like, me-hard, not you-hard, but still. And then it came time to take the SATs.

REACTION SHOT: Annie tilts her head curiously, brow furrowed.

JEFF: (staring in the middle distance) I got halfway through the first section, and… there was a question I didn’t know the answer to. Couldn’t even guess the answer to. All that work, and I had no idea what to do at the first sign of failure. I threw up, Annie. And then I cried. I guess they tried to use the test booklet anyway, but most of my answers were unreadable.

REACTION SHOT: Annie looking equal parts mild and sympathetic.

JEFF: So that was it. No SATs, no scholarships, no bachelor’s degree, no law school. I was burnt out by the time I was nineteen, and I spent the rest of my life cheating because I was afraid of hard work. Afraid of failure.  
(he looks at her)  
Listen, Annie--you’re not like me. You’re more determined, and smarter, and more honest--but I still don’t want you to make my mistakes. If there’s something you hold sacred, then hold onto it. If you need to rest, then rest. You’re incredibly talented and hard-working, and one day off is never going to make you a slacker.

ANNIE (softly): I guess you’re right. I’ve been focusing so hard on making up for my old mistakes, trying not to fall back on bad habits, that I haven’t really focused on making good ones. Maybe I should take more breaks. That can be like... my Jewish New Year’s resolution.  
(pause)  
You know, I think one of the things that’s been holding me back is… I haven’t really talked to my mom since I went to rehab. And I’ve never celebrated Rosh Hashanah alone. There’s a synagogue nearby I could go to, but…  
(Disney face)  
It would really mean a lot to have a friend there for support.

FULL SHOT of the two of them on the couch. Jeff smiles, genuinely, and then tries to cover it up with sarcasm.

JEFF: Gee, would that mean I have to skip classes on a Friday and wear a suit I look devastatingly handsome in?

ANNIE: Yup. And also a yarmulke, and it’s going to be a free one offered by the synagogue left over from some kid’s bar mitzvah, and it’s gonna be the ugliest thing you’ve ever seen.

JEFF: Oh well.

ZOOM OUT and FADE OUT. Musical cue: [Greendale Is Where I Belong](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vHqi0uO1a0o).

EXT. THE QUAD, FRIDAY EVENING

(Soundtrack continues) We OPEN on a WIDE SHOT as Shirley, dressed in church clothes, arranges study room chairs next to a folding table, on top of which is a tablecloth, silverware, some covered dishes, glasses, and bottles of sparkling cider. Her son ELIJAH, wearing khakis and a button-down shirt, places a stack of plates on the table. JORDAN, dressed likewise, is sitting on a picnic blanket on the ground talking to Britta (indistinct). Pierce and Troy stand to the side, talking. Troy looks up and sees something offscreen. He beams and waves.

LONG SHOT of GUBI NADIR and Abed walking towards the quad. Both are wearing thobs and pin-striped silk qumbazes--clearly special occasion wear. Abed is also wearing a flannel over his. They are both carrying dishes.

LONG SHOT of Annie in her “Accounting for Lawyers” dress and a matching yarmulke, and Jeff in a suit, getting out of his Lexus. Annie waves; Jeff is carrying things. GROUP SHOT from behind as the four of them join the picnic.

MONTAGE:

  * Abed walks up to Shirley. There is a brief pause. She smiles hopefully and he gives her a one-armed hug, which she returns.
  * Pierce fumbles with a bottle of sparkling cider and opens it, over indistinct protest; foam pours out of the bottle and the kids, in particular, scream.
  * Abed “toasts” his date against a slice of apple with honey held by Annie. She beams. Troy nudges Abed with his elbow and compliments his clothing. He clearly thinks it’s dope.
  * Shirley holds up her plate as Abed scoops her some thick stew from the same pot he brought to the study room in Comparative Religions. She tries it and looks delighted. Indistinct “Oh, that’s nice!”
  * Gubi, in one of the chairs, leans down to show Annie and Britta (on the picnic blanket) childhood photos of Abed. Elijah and Jordan run by, being chased by Troy; they jostle his chair. Gubi looks up, annoyed, then shrugs and goes back to the photos. It’s a holiday.
  * Britta teases Jeff about his yarmulke. He takes it off and looks at it ruefully. It is, as promised, ugly--shiny lime green satin with bright blue embroidery reading ZACK’S RAD BAR MITZVAH 2006.



CLOSE UP on Jeff, watching the group. His expression is soft. Yeah, he loves them.

CRANE SHOT UP and FADE OUT.

END TAG: INT. STUDY ROOM, DAY

The room is empty except for Abed, typing on his laptop, and Pierce, scribbling on a notepad. Discarded sheets surround his spot, and his guitar is leaning against the table on the floor.

PIERCE (muttering to himself): Eid Al-Fitr… Fitter… chitter, twitter… flipper… liquor? No, no, no, that’s offensive… Slipper? Yom Kippur?  
(chuckling)  
Too streets ahead for this crowd… Okay, I’ve got it!

He picks up his guitar and strums it to the tune of Adam Sandler’s “Hanukkah Song.” He clears his throat.

PIERCE: Put on your glitter, here comes--

ABED (without looking up): No.

Beat. Pierce looks at him for a moment, then puts his guitar back. He looks down at his notepad, rips off the top page, crumbles it into a ball, and tosses it over his shoulder.

END.

**Author's Note:**

> I know some fic writers are on sites like ko-fi and that's never really been my thing, but, since tonight is Rosh Hashanah and I'll be giving myself--if you enjoyed this fic and have a little something to spare, it'd be wonderful if you'd consider donating to [Never Again Action](https://secure.actblue.com/donate/naacovid19?refcode=website_nav), a Jewish-led advocacy organization fighting cruel immigration policies in the United States, or [ Rabbis for Human Rights](https://rhr.org.il/eng/donations/), an Israel-based nonprofit that works to support human rights causes in Israel and the Occupied Palestinian Territories. תודה רבה ושנה תובה


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